Q: Dear Garden Boss, My neighbors are constantly peeking into my backyard to offer a running commentary on the dismal state of my garden. What can I do to make this stop?
A: There are all kinds of helpful plants out there that will save you heartache and agony.
1) Wisteria will creep into your neighbor’s yard and pull down their house like Samson in the temple, thus forcing your pesky neighbors to move. We now offer the WWE series, which includes “Hulk Hogan” with cute pink flowers and “The Rock,” which likes to creep into the kitchen to smell what YOU’RE cooking!
2) Our trumpet creepers have just come in. Michael Dirr says of these, “Plant these and run.” These vines will eat up anything you turn them loose on, including your neighbors. They are available in red, yellow, orange, yellow-orange, orange-yellow, red-orange, and puce.
Q: Wow, thanks, garden boss! A: Yeah, no problemo.
If you love scanning through book after book for the faintest whiff of sex, then you’ll love this bill, which was written because some white guy out in Neosho knows more about what should go into libraries than actual librarians who have actual librarian degrees.
Plant tags make all kinds of crazy claims. But do you know what the truth is? The problem with plant tags is that the people who write them up are not allowed to tell the unvarnished truth about the plant, even if the plant is a real dog. If they do speak, highly suspicious things happen to them.
I was able to wrest a few secrets out of one such writer before she met her doom in a freak rose accident. Here’s a primer on what the plant tag says … and what it actually means.
My favorite books are those where the characters spout wisecracks that make me laugh aloud, or those that capture the tiny details of life so clearly that I feel like I’m actually there with the main character, seeing those details. I want to write books like that. But then I …