WHAT PLANT TAGS ACTUALLY MEAN

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Plant tags make all kinds of crazy claims. But do you know what the truth is? The problem with plant tags is that the people who write them up are not allowed to tell the unvarnished truth about the plant, even if the plant is a real dog. If they do speak, highly suspicious things happen to them.

I was able to wrest a few secrets out of one such writer before she met her doom in a freak rose accident. Here’s a primer on what the plant tag says … and what it actually means.

Reseeds freely – And will replace your entire lawn with tiny, wicked clones
Fast-growing vine – Plant it … and run
May be invasive – Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated
Easy to care for – Will require care!
Low-maintenance – Will require maintenance!
Fragrant flowers – Even as the rest of the plant defoliates freely due to blackspot/small hungry bugs/evil imps
Size varies – From the size of a breadbox to the size of your house.
Vigorous – To the detriment of every plant around it
Many uses for this plant – None of which you have ever heard of
Semi-dwarf – About a few inches shorter than normal
Disease-free rose – Ha ha ha ha ha!
Fashionable – For the next five minutes, after which it will become an embarrassment
Old-fashioned – With all the ill-mannered traits that made plant breeders scramble to hybridize it