My rules for writing are better than Jonathan Frazen’s

Jonathan Frazen has some writing rules, because he has Important Opinions, but my writing rules are better. Here they are:

1) Use words like “whilst” & “behoove” & “mayhap”
2) Include a cat in every scene or they’ll get mad
3) Use only 2nd person omniscient – God said so
4) Every novel must include a fight scene with your readers so they don’t feel left out
5) Never use conjunctions ever
6) Scry random words from the Oxford English Dictionary so readers will know you’re smart
7) Better yet, make up your own words for the sake of pure syznt invention
8) This rule is top secret
9) Make the book so short that it folds upon itself & vanishes in a burst of starlight
10) All characters must a sword. Important characters have two swords, one for each hand

There, I fixed writing.